There’s no healing without release.
I’m trying my best to not get upset these days. I’ve sought serenity in using my downtime to reflect on what has or is troubling me. I’m trying my best to believe that all must be forgiven if I want to maintain peace of mind. I think it’s important to allow yourself to grieve, however long that takes. Don’t take shortcuts by moving too fast than what your heart can manage: you’ll only find yourself in a troubling situation with a longer recovery. It took me months to learn that I needed to give up my ideas and perceptions about healing to sincerely heal.
I knew what I needed and still I tried to mold a broken circumstance into exactly what I wanted. I tried to convince myself that it was okay and that it was absurd for this pain to still exist after so long. But I want you to know that not all is tragic. Not all is a loss. You are still standing: and not just standing, but stronger than you were before. You experienced something that made you feel so much which meant that it held leverage to you in some kind of passionate way: that is beautiful. Recognize that not all is meant to remain in your life, some people and/or situations are meant to come in passing for where you’re intended to be. Once you accept this, you can feel a release in not needing to try so hard to keep what was never meant to stay yours. I spent months trying to piece together a puzzle with lost pieces, and it only brought me more pain trying to avoid the inevitable.
We desire clarity in situations where we’ve lost our way. But the beauty comes when we start to look for a new way. I know how it feels to be in the midst of pain and wanting to be understood. I know how it feels to sit in your bed at 1am with a drafted text after reminiscing, thinking to yourself, “this will never pass.” I know how it feels to believe there is no other way than the way you’ve spent so much of your energy devoted to: but there always is. It’s hard to want to leave something you didn’t imagine you ever would and I don’t blame you. But it’s important to differentiate what you want with what you need: devotions that fulfill your most authentic self. I can imagine as you read these words, you are thinking how hard this may be to actually follow. It’s much easier to fall back to what you’ve known than to follow some “promising” path where you solely rely on optimism, if you have any at all. I can’t predict your future nor can I necessarily advise one thing over another, but I can share my experiences in what I have learned so that you never make a home in residing in confusion or sorrow. I’ve had so many talks with myself, with God, and with friends I can depend on: because I couldn’t do this alone and you don’t have to. I asked for strength and practiced self-discipline when I saw myself receding back or engaging in things that came at the expense of my peace.
Never look for healing at the feet of those who broke you. You don’t have to make a warm bed for a person that once left you cold. Shift your energy from those you know don’t deserve you to those that do. Reveal your soul to those that have proved to be deserving and know when to walk away the moment that distinction becomes blurred. Don’t use love as an excuse to keep someone around. Staying in a situation that hardly makes you happy will keep you from things that have all the potential to. When you learn to not caress egos nor maintain temporary connections, you’ll begin to see more return in everything you invest your treasured energy into. This is much easier said than done, I know. If you can do any part of this, then you are strong. If you can even imagine yourself in a position to do this, then you are strong. If you went through heartache, pain, or disappointment- then you ARE strong.
I really want you to know that absolutely NOTHING is worth your peace: no guy that mistreats you, no girl that lacks in understanding you, no practice that doesn’t intend to better you, no lingering negative thought, no hurtful words…etc. You give power to the thoughts you allow yourself to dwell upon: positive or negative. Allow yourself to feel and grieve, and in due time- let go.
Even at your best, you’ll never be enough for the wrong person. Save your solitude in trying to convince someone to feel something they do not. Don’t give people the leverage in seeing how far they can go at your expense. It’s crazy how our intuition + judgement can at times go against our wants: this is because our intuition tells us truths we don’t always want to hear. But even when your situation may feel like it’ll last forever, just know…
Eventually we get over things we swore we would never. One of my favorite verses applicable to strengthening your moral, reads “This too shall pass.” Of course, verses are up to interpretation. I find so much comfort in those four words: that no matter what obstacles come your way, you can rest assured that nothing lasts forever. Have faith in what’s to come but most importantly, have faith in you. You are one step closer to where you need to be. One day you’ll look back and know exactly why that had to happen. Instead of telling yourself, “I’m broken,” try telling yourself “I’m starting over,” or “I’m overcoming,” or “I’m rediscovering.” Actions stem from feelings and feelings stem from thoughts, and so it’s important to consider what thoughts you are attributing value to. Your greatest life lessons can come from your deepest hurt and what’s even more incredible, is that other people are going to find healing in your wounds, even when you may struggle to find it in your own.
When @EboneeDavis said “I could no longer center my identity around the things that happened to be me,” I embraced that discovery in full. I’m learning to love freely without needing someone to free me. And you know what, sometimes closure comes when you’ve stopped searching for it. You’ll find yourself, months later, years later, laughing with a laugh that’s unapologetically yours. You’ll find yourself in love with the space you now hold, feeling grateful for the goodbyes that led you to this very moment. Our deepest pains can launch the most beautiful callings: if you allow it.
Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been.
“Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”
My very best, Charlize